So, since all of these news articles have been published about me, I've had a ridiculous amount of hate.
"UGLY!", "Hideous!!", "weirdo", "Grow up", "Loser", "Sperficial Bitch, I bet she doesn't care about anyone but herself, no personality." "But she looks so ugly, nothing like barbie...", "She looks at least 40", "pointless".
They are just a SMALL handful of the comments about me. By the way, those photos were taken months ago and they're, without a doubt, some of the worst photos I have ever seen of me! There were nice photos too, so I don't know why they used all the worst ones. Anyway...
So, recently, I went to a wedding. The bride demanded that I wore 'natural makeup'. Of course, I tried. I actually did it... I went outside (to a wedding!) with natural makeup! I haven't done that for years!
And, you know what, I felt fine.
It, literally, felt like that scene from 'Shrek' where he's turned human. He goes out and is shocked to be treated like everyone else, so used to insults and pitchforks:
This was on the 19th of December.
Every time I go out, people actually stop walking to stare at me. They look disgusted. They treat me like a murderer or a pedophile. People spit at me. They point, they shout, they laugh. they ridicule. They ask me ridiculous questions. I was so used to this that I didn't question it. However, I experienced none of this on the 19th of December. On the 19th of December, I was an actual human being.
So, today, I was checking my emails/comments/etc. They were flooded with horrible, and sometimes disturbing things. Even death threats/people hoping for me to die soon.
They seem to be under the false impression that I think I look beautiful. In case you didn't know, I hate the way I look (not my makeup, but me). I can't think of one part of me that I'm ok with. From my eyes, hair, even my toes. There isn't one part of me that I don't despise. People praise me for not having cosmetic surgery, but it's only because I can't afford to. If I could afford, I would change everything about myself. So these comments from others, pointing all of my flaws out, hurt a lot. People seem to think that if someone wears unique makeup/clothes it makes it ok to insult them.
So, today, I went for a walk. I thought back to the 19th of December - when I was a human being. I won't deny that I cried for a good part of the day. I was moping around, feeling sorry for myself. I considered ending everything:
- Selling all my things
- Moving away
- Changing my name
- Dying my hair black/brown
- Closing my shop/getting a 'normal' job
- Deleting everything I could of me from the internet
Who would recognise me? No one. It was strangely comforting.
Then I remembered a promise that I made to myself as a child. Few people know that I NEVER make promises. Every promise can be broken. "Promise to meet me tomorrow?" "Yes" *Gets stabbed to death* - promise broken. I only ever say something if I truly mean it.
However, there was one exception. I remember clearly a conversation I had with myself as a child. Even as a child, I was strange. I've always been my only friend. I've always been called weird.
I was observing how adults were. They were never happy. Always serious. Work, pay bills, watch TV, sleep. I made a promise with myself to never grow up. I think I was about 6 years old, maybe 7. I've kept this promise, and intend to keep it forever.
So, after remembering this, I thought:
People have been breaking me down so much that I almost abandoned my soul, and my promise to myself. If they think I'm weird now, they haven't seen anything! I'll show them weird!
I've always liked blue/silver skin, but I only wear in for fancy dress occasions. FUCK THAT. I will wear blue skin whenever I want to.
I have always loved medieval clothes, but never made any - when would I ever wear them? FUCK THAT. I will wear whatever I want to.
You think I should cut my hair? FUCK THAT. As soon as I can afford to, I'm buying knee length extensions.
I love tiaras/etc. I don't wear them because.... well, it isn't acceptable. FUCK THAT. I will wear them if I want to.
I plan to go crazy. If 'society' wants me to die/kill me for being myself, then I will be my absolute true self, no holding back. What is the point of living, if you're not living for yourself? I'm going to hold on as long as I can, I'm sure society will end me eventually, but I will try my absolute best to not let it happen. All that matters is that I stay kind, genuine and true to myself. I urge you all to do the same.
We need some sort of 'weirdo revolution'.
I sincerely hope you took the time to read this through. If you did, thank you.